There are also moments when I clearly feel the split within me.
On the one hand – I’m very screwed. Scarred for years, disappointed with people, the system, myself. I carry in my chest all the unspoken words, all the missed opportunities, all the paths I didn’t take. Sometimes it seems to me that I am my own failure – a man who could have done more and ended up driving other people’s destinies through crossroads.
Then again, I know I’m blessed.
I haven’t stopped feeling. I have not lost the ability to admire, to be sad, to recognize beauty in someone’s gaze or in the silence before dawn. I have a strength in me that I rarely show, thoughts that I rarely speak, words that I rarely write down. I have a potential that doesn’t fit into this noisy, shallow world.
And this is where my silent pain arises.
I feel that I can do more – to understand more deeply, to create more strongly, to love more courageously. But the world around me doesn’t seem to be looking for depth. He’s looking for speed. He demands obedience. It asks you to fit in, not to waver, not to think too much.
And when I think, I think to the end. When I feel, I feel without a brake.
And that’s why I’m often silent. Not completely, of course.
Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I know that a lot of things would be misunderstood.
Unfulfilled potential becomes a burden. Like a river that has been dammed – the water is there, strong and alive, but there is nowhere to go. And then it starts to corrode from the inside.
But maybe that’s part of my journey.
Perhaps the blessing is not that everything I carry inside me is seen and acknowledged. Maybe it’s about staying true to that inner flame, even if others don’t notice it. Maybe it is enough to know that there is more to me than everyday life shows.
I am broken and strong at the same time. And the two don’t cancel each other out.
Maybe it was this brokenness that taught me to be more attentive to the world. Maybe my failures taught me humility. Maybe that trapped potential is actually the fuel that keeps me from settling for nonsense.
Because even in this world, as it is, I still choose to be aware. To be awake. To keep in me what I cannot always show.
And sometimes that is also a form of victory.
Nezasticeni svedok 6
Postoje trenuci i kada jasno osetim podvojenost u sebi.
S jedne strane – mnogo sam sjeban. Izranjavan godinama, razočaran ljudima, sistemom, sobom. Nosim u grudima sve neizgovorene reči, sve propuštene prilike, sve puteve kojima nisam krenuo. Ponekad mi se učini da sam sopstveni promašaj – čovek koji je mogao više, a završio vozeći tuđe sudbine kroz raskrsnice.
A opet, znam da sam blagosloven.
Nisam prestao da osećam. Nisam izgubio sposobnost da se divim, da se rastužim, da prepoznam lepotu u nečijem pogledu ili u tišini pred svitanje. Imam u sebi snagu koju retko pokazujem, misli koje retko izgovaram, reči koje preretko zapisujem. U meni živi potencijal koji se ne uklapa u ovaj bučni, plitki svet.
I tu nastaje moj tihi bol.
Osećam da mogu više – da razumem dublje, da stvaram jače, da volim hrabrije. Ali svet oko mene kao da ne traži dubinu. Traži brzinu. Traži poslušnost. Traži da se uklopiš, da ne talasaš, da ne misliš previše.
A ja, kad mislim, mislim do kraja. Kad osećam, osećam bez kočnice.
I zato često ćutim.Ne potpuno naravno.
Ne zato što nemam šta da kažem, nego zato što znam da bi mnogo toga ostalo neshvaćeno.
Potencijal koji ne može da se ispolji postaje teret. Kao reka kojoj su podigli branu – voda je tu, snažna i živa, ali nema kud. I onda počne da nagriza iznutra.
Ali možda je i to deo mog puta.
Možda blagoslov nije u tome da sve što nosim u sebi bude viđeno i priznato. Možda je u tome da ostanem veran tom unutrašnjem plamenu, čak i ako ga drugi ne primećuju. Možda je dovoljno da znam da u meni postoji više nego što svakodnevica pokazuje.
Ja sam istovremeno slomljen i snažan. I to dvoje ne poništava jedno drugo.
Možda me je baš ta slomljenost naučila da budem pažljiviji prema svetu. Možda su me promašaji naučili poniznosti. Možda je taj zarobljeni potencijal zapravo gorivo koje me tera da ne pristajem na besmisao.
Jer i u ovom svetu, kakav jeste, ja još uvek biram da budem svestan. Da budem budan. Da u sebi čuvam ono što ne mogu uvek da pokažem.
A ponekad je i to – oblik pobede.